It Was Fear
by brahdley jims
Summary: Narcissa did it out of fear, not courage. She didn't want to end up like Andromeda. Narcissa-centric freeverse.


**AN: **Written for the Colour Meaning challenge on HPFC by edgy satsuma. I've always wanted to write about Narcissa. Enjoy.

**colours: **navy: self pity, deep pink: marriage, sunlight yellow: warmth, green grey: envy, bright red: courage

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

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><p><em>at first<em>, it was because she **pitied** herself

that she became the _quiet one_

the one who had nothing to say and no opinion

she was **never** in the spotlight, _no_,

that was Bellatrix, with her **thirst** to prove herself

_she learnt how to play the game early on_

and Andromeda, with **all those fights** between her and Mother

_she was never going to stay for long_

so Narcissa decided to keep quiet

why talk at all if you're _not_ going to be **noticed**?

but then **she realised** that this _pleased people_

because she was doing it **p**erfectly

**perfect** Black ladies are _seen and not heard_

and so she became the shining example

and it was _too late_ to **turn back now**

and she pitied _herself_ even more

+.+.+

she became Narcissa Malfoy when she was young

_too young_, in her opinion, but **her** opinion didn't matter

she liked Lucius **well **_**enough**_, he wasn't that foul

**rich**, _handsome_, pureblood, **respectable**

_what more could she ask for_?

she knew from the **moment** he proposed

that their marriage _wasn't_ going to be the happiest

**how could it?**

they both knew they were on the _dark lord's side_

how could a _happy marriage_ come out of **that**?

but it was convenient, and she _did_ love him

**or at least**, that's what she always _told him_

because it was what he **wanted** to hear

because it was what they all **wanted** to hear

and so Narcissa _went along with it_

because _after all_, they needed a bit of good news after Andromeda

+.+.+

**D****raco** was the only bit of _warmth and happiness_

she'd ever have in her life

for some _silly_ little reason, she believed **he'd bring ****hope**

after the dark lord's _downfall_

_patch everything up_, patch their family together

so that they might live **somewhat normally**

but it was a _fine thread_ she was holding onto with that hope

she couldn't stop her husband **hammering into him** all his

_blood prejudices_ and _expectations_ at such an early age

and teaching _him_ the things he and Narcissa had been taught

but she could reserve her **smiles and laughter** for him

even when he was _growing up to be a clone of Lucius_

and she could **be there** for him

even when he did things _she knew he'd regret_

but she **couldn't** _protect_ him, not when the dark lord chose **him**

and that was what she _regretted_ the most

+.+.+

she'd never admit it, but she was always _envious_

of Andromeda, the sister whom **nobody **_**spoke of**_

she hadn't always been jealous, and it wasn't **all the time**

but _every now and then_ when the _pressure built up_

or there was _a whisper, a whisper_ of the dark lord

she **wishes** she'd gotten out like her sister

_married out of love_, **not out of convenience**

Andromeda was doing fine, wasn't she?

but then she heard about her husband, the _muggleborn_

and the **death** of that girl, _nymphadora_, she recalled

her niece, the niece she'd **never met**, _never given a chance_

and she realised that her sister was so, _so_ **alone** now

just like she'd been _all those years ago_

just like Narcissa had felt **all her life**

and she wasn't _so_ **envious** of her sister anymore

because who wanted to live alone, _really_?

+.+.+

it wasn't **courage** that made her _save Harry Potter's life_

though it certainly _**looked**_ like that

though of course **nobody** but Narcissa and Potter knew what she'd _done_

**it was fear**

**fear** of _losing her son_, fear of _ending up alone_

just like Andromeda

**fear** of _living in a world_ ruled by darkness and evil

because it's all she's **ever been told** to believe in

but it's not what she _wants_

so she saves Harry Potter's life out of **fear**, not _courage_

and she _**runs into the midst of a battle**_ out of fear, not _courage_

and she's clutching her husband's arm and her son's hand

holding on **for dear life** as they run, _out of fear_

because they're **all** she's got left in the _uncertain_ future

and she _doesn't want_ to be **alone**

she doesn't want to be alone like Andromeda.

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><p>please <span>review<span> :)


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